The search for Mr Right
It’s been nearly a year since I created Bestselfology. I have loved the journey and learnt and developed so much over the last 12 months. I’ve written about a variety of topics that cover a range of elements of becoming the best version of yourself. Treatment of the environment, productivity, health, personal development etc, but there is one area I have steered clear from and that’s relationships.
I’ve been thinking about why I’ve avoided writing on this area and have concluded there are a couple of reasons:
1) I believe I’m not qualified to write about relationships
2) I’m embarrassed to put my thoughts on this personal subject out there
3) I’m scared that people will think I’m a failure as I have not managed to sort this area of my life out
I was chatting to my friends recently about my relationship status and explained to them that I love my job and have that element of my life totally sorted, I have an amazing group of friends and am more than happy with that area of my life, I really enjoy my hobbies and my blog and am really content in this area, but I feel that I am terrible at relationships. That’s the story I believe and also the message I am putting out to the universe.
They were interested on why I thought that and I informed them to look at my past record. It started off in my late 20s where I went through a very difficult breakup where I found out my fiancé had been cheating on me whilst I planned our wedding, then I met a really lovely guy but it was too soon after the breakup and I pushed him away, then I met someone who was still technically married which was not a great idea, then I dated someone for 8 months who I really loved but he didn’t want to commit, I dated a guy who was messaging other girls whilst we were on dates, a guy that I met through a friend who I felt was totally perfect for me in every way, we had a few fun nights out, but he wasn’t interested in a relationship, then most recently, out of the blue I met someone who I was interested in who told me he wanted to meet someone just like me and then started dating my friend after I admitted I liked him! Plus countless other disastrous internet dates and set ups that usually didn’t even make it to date number 2. It doesn’t sound like a good track record eh? So you can forgive me for me for thinking I’m not great at this!
So why start writing about it now? Why have I changed my mind?
I believe being the best version of yourself includes knowing how to be in a successful relationship. I firmly agree that you need to be happy being on your own before you can be happy in a relationship, but most people are looking for a partner, and most people includes me. Over the years I’ve figured out how to be happy being single, but now I’d like to meet a partner to share lifes experiences with. Finding a partner and being in a relationship is part of Bestselfology and it’s a subject I want to further explore.
When you’re single you get so much mixed advice from people. ‘Play it cool’, ‘wait a few days before you reply to messages’, ‘don’t be too keen or you’ll scare them off’. Everyone has an opinion about how to act whilst you are in the early stages of dating. This can sometimes lead to a lack of honesty, whilst you are trying to give a perception to someone of the person that you think they want to see.
I try to act ‘breezy” as one of my friends puts it, which I’m anyway terrible at and doesn’t fool anyone! I need to stop pretending and start being honest. If that scares people off so be it, they can’t be right for me anyway! I think that by pretending I am fine with a casual relationship, that is what I am attracting. I am sending out mixed messages to people. If a relationship I am in is not giving me what I want, then it is time to be strong and exit it.
Face my fears
I fear rejection (who doesn’t) and sometimes I put up a defense to protect myself against this as I am afraid of getting hurt. You read my relationship history, it sometimes feels like one rejection after another, but I want to start facing it head on and stop trying to protect myself against what might happen.
Put it out to the universe
I’ve had some really great results in different areas of my life when I shared with the universe what I wanted and it listened and delivered, sometimes scarily quickly! If what I’m telling the universe (and by the universe I mean anyone who will listen!) is that I am terrible at relationships, that is what seems to be delivered back to me. By admitting I’m looking for a relationship, you never know, maybe I’ll find one! I’m not living in my fairy tale land (well not all the time anyway!) where I think that by saying it, it will magically happen, but I do believe that the story you tell yourself, is often what comes true.
Whatever I’m doing now isn’t working, I’ve not been in a proper relationship for 7 years. As the saying goes, ‘if you do what you always do, you’ll get what you’ve always got’. So it’s time for me to change my approach and to do something different. I have been quite comfortable in the past few years blaming bad luck and the men I meet for my lack of a relationship. I have decided to take responsibility for this situation myself and take ownership of the decisions I make and see if that changes things.
There are honestly some amazing advantages of being single. I can be totally selfish and do what I want when I want. I have an amazing life, I’ve travelled the world, I have an amazing job and awesome friends, but I’d love to have a partner to share my adventures with and most importantly to have a good cuddle! (You can’t beat a good hug!)
I’d love to hear in the comments below whether you think that the story you put out to the universe influences the reality of the situation or if that’s just a lovely fairytale view of things.
I love this article. Your honesty about the topic inspires being your best version of yourself. Thank you for outlining a simple (not easy) approach that we can use in other areas of our lives, areas that we believe we have not excelled in. Honesty, facing our fears, putting it to the universe and being brave enough to try a different approach are awesome ways to conquere our mountains and indeed be our best selves, thank you so much for the reminder!
OMG! You are telling the story I tell myself, I think I’m totally hopeless at relationships. However, I agree with you 1000% about how the stories we tell ourselves perpetuates the same darn story. The universe is always conspiring to give us what we want/need and the energy we put out there, is the energy we create more of. Your courage is infectious, thank you for sharing
Lovely blog again Mel and well done you for daring greatly and putting it out there. I couldn’t agree with you more and I definitely believe our thoughts create our reality. I also believe once we know what we truly want (not what we think we should want), putting it out there is one part, the harder part for me is then letting go, trusting the universe will deliver and not being wedded to how you think it should be when it does turn up xxxx keep us posted on progress xxxx
Good for you! All you need to do to find the man you’ve been waiting for is,
a) Sign up to an online-dating site. NOT TINDER, that’ll just attract more hook-up-crazed commitment-dodgers. 🙂 And,
b) Buy, read and follow “The Rules” and “Not Your Mother’s Rules” by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider. Those books tuned my life around. You might have been giving the wrong guys the benefit of the doubt in dating – and accidentally wasting more time than you needed to on uncommitted, lazy men. The Rules books are strict but they COMPLETELY ERASE the disinterested boys from your life, leaving only the nice, sweet, keen guys behind.
Everything will work out brilliantly. Get into feng shui too – it’s fun to think you can positively influence your romantic future just by moving the bin around in your house.
Can’t wait to hear your updates 🙂 x
Oh thanks for the advice Kate. I have just downloaded The Rules! 🙂
Awesome! Have you started reading it yet? Your thoughts on it will make a great blog post. It’s SUPER STRICT but it works.
I’m just in the middle of Thrive by Arianna Huffington. I’ll start it when I have finished that. Will defo consider a blog post on my experiences of following the rules.